You can have all the icing on the success cake (whatever success means to you) but If you don't lift up other women as you climb those stairs, is it all worth it Miss? It can get pretty lonely up at the top especially if you have no one to lift you in your own time of need. Its worrying and sad that many women talk about being bullied or belittled at work, not by men, but by other women. Never mind the workplace, what about at the mums coffee morning or baby group? How about at the school gates? There are always the mums who build others up and others that just don't. It doesn't hurt to be kind or to help another woman up off the floor. But some girls just choke on it. Cant' do it. Why? Do they feel threatened maybe that if they highlight how great another woman is or how wonderful someone else's parenting is it will highlight their own insecurities, failings or jealousies? It really doesn't work this way though; (major gush and emosh alert comin' up) you see if you bring love to another gal it comes back to you. I'm telling you it makes you feel good. Try it. (If you haven't done so already of course)
At school I grew up being bullied and made fun of by a group of so called 'It' girls, AKA 'the mean girls'. They made fun of me for being podgy and wearing glasses. Also rather unfortunately I sported a mullet. It was not good. I also didn't help myself because I was a swot and I thoroughly enjoyed being a swot, which only heaped more fire on the skinny cool girls coals. They humiliated me and made my life the miserable low down pits. I bought into their negativity and took on what they called me: Miss Piggy, Four Eyes.... Why? Because well I thought if they think I'm that shitty I must be shitty. The worst of those times being when they shut me in the school toilets and roughed me up. You see I too have had to overcome a lot of insecurities and trust issues with other women myself; partly because I had a fear that deep down I wasn't good enough. That I wasn't liked. Know that feeling? That pesky paranoia ladies? We all struggle with these thoughts to some degree or other. We just need to be a bit more open about girl stuff like this. Its okay to feel a bit wobbly or insecure girls, they are just feelings and we all got them! Even the 'It' girls, the 'It' women and the 'It' mothers that you might think have it all together all the time.
Today I got to say I just love my girlfriends. Like so so much and I have their backs, oh and I know they got mine. You know who you are. Who are your middle of the night girls? (no sleaze intended) am talking about when your in it. Like totally up to your neck in it, this thing called 'life', then who are the ones you call?. Who could you dial up at 2am and know they wouldn't mind you disturbing their second realm of sleep?(zzzzzzzzzz) Who are you there for? To lift another woman up when you feel like wet fish, when you have zero pence and your bad hair day has been going on for weeks and weeks isn't easy. BUT it brings the magic. I'm talking girlpower magic. Because when you truly 100% think you go girl for another friend, another girl, another sister or mother you become a little less self-obsessed. You deepen and you grow, ok it hurts a bit, but then you get humble and then your crown, your time comes. You find that thing you were looking for. You make it too honey. Is this making sense? I love that quote that says "Real Queens fix each others crowns". This is truth. Standard. 👍
True beauty is being a mother who helps other mothers. I surround myself with mothers who are real, who love who don't mind confessing their bad mistakes, their mess ups. Their screaming fits at their kids on school mornings. Like when you totally lose yo' shit in a whirling frenzy of odd gloves, skanky packed lunch boxes, mind-numbing squabbling, crushed cheese-strings, tantrums (them and you), lost p.e kits and the rest. Oh and the rest..... Anyone else? Oh just me then is it. 😉 I put my hands up and say I am not a perfect mum. I have done things I regret and I am ashamed of. But I thank God I have women in my life who I can be real with. Women who mess up too and aren't afraid to say it. Women who don't put others down when they cock it up and allow them some grace. Grace is an old-fashioned word not used much these days but boy do we all need it. I need it too, so so bad ladies. Lets be kinder to each other.
Listen I know, I know I am a gushing beast and a lovey dovey actress. I know probably drop too much 'love you love you love you' all over da place! However what I'm talking about here isn't about being fake but about matching your words to your actions. Would it hurt you little lady to compliment or help another mother in the playground, another woman at work? Or how about covering another girl when she messes up bad. Does it kill you to praise your friends kid when they won an award and yours didn't? Or how about having someone's kids back for tea to help another mother out even when messes up your nice house? Ouch eh? Sometimes we have to do things even when they hurt because that's how we grow. I loathed the North London hipster baby groups I went to with my first son, we are talking about 10 years ago now. The community I lived in was so competitive surrounded by middle class hip (oh so hip) mums who appeared to have it all. (I wanted it all too but didn't quite match up) There was no one I could be real with. I realise now these top grade mums with deluxe travel systems (compared to my less fab second hand buggy) were struggling too but were just to cool or proud to say it.
Times were different then and there certainly wasn't a push for a sisterhood/mamahood/ girlgang movement going on like there is now. Check out the amazing Colour Sisterhood as one example and its global movement of everyday women. Their events are incredible and have personally developed me as a woman and mother. I thank the mothering community I have found through Instagram with all my heart too for their support and mutual love and friendship. I know there was some backlash in The Sunday Times at the weekend about the online pressures of being an 'Insta Mum', however I think it is a matter of perception. The mothering community on instagram that I know is not there (we would hope) to compete with another. The pressure to be good enough or like the other mothers around you (or online) comes from within you. The mothers I know in everyday life or follow on Instagram are the ones who bear warts and all. Who are honest about the realities of motherhood and support other women. Motherhood is not a competition because we are in it together and no one needs to feel any pressure to win any prize. Ever. I struggled with my firstborn because I couldn't breastfeed and was continually plagued by mastitis. To make things worse the onset of PND made me terrified that I wasn't a good enough mum. I had a couple of cherished friends that saw me through but I didn't have the access to an open and honest mothering community (socially and online) that I have now.
I don't know about you but the more I give to 'dem gals' the more I get lifted myself. We all have insecurities girls, mothers, sisters but lets not put other women down to make ourselves feel better. You know you can actually deal with insecurities in another way too. By telling someone if they look beautiful when you really don't feel that yourself. Noticing another girls new haircut or applauding some baddass achievement. By saying well done when a friends baby starts walking before yours; by celebrating a friends promotion when your job sucks or worse still you have no job; then this is girlgang.
Love, real love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 💝
You see there is a place for us all. A corner for each of us to light up. Jealousy is toxic and steals you of your own portion little lady. Oh yeah didn't you know? You got your own portion. Your own crown. Your own time is coming my darling. Love your sisters because you reap what you sow. Sow in love baby girl. Sow in love.
